Target Material section of Archivum Archivorum comprises a wide range of selected public speeches given on stage, in music videos or interviews. All speeches are provided with transcripts, videos and pragmalinguistic recordings mady by the Accent Lab which will help you to not simply enjoy a speech but also train your Pronunciation skills.

TARGET MATERIAL

The Earth​

by Prince Charles (King Charles III) from BBC documentary Earth in Balance ​

This is the earth. This is where we lived. We haven’t been here long. It took most of our time here to discover it was round. We fought for it, conquered and exploited it as if there were no limits to what we could do to this place.

The world shook to our achievements. It took us more time to realise that the thing we were all struggling to get a bigger piece of was more fragile than we thought.

But now, at the eleventh hour, we know. We know that the Earth is our home and that sometimes unwittingly we’ve been inflicting terrible damage to it. To the air we breathe, to the water we drink, to the soils which give us food. Unless we alter our approach I believe that we shall, sooner rather than later, face a reckoning.

This is one of the last wildernesses left in Europe. It is the edge of the flow country, right up in the north of Scotland. It is a strange, evocative area which has a wild, desolate beauty of its own.

The English World​

I.M. Maguidova, S.V. Decheva ​

part I

The English world is the world that English men and women have created and lived in through centuries of history. The achievements and failures of those centuries have molded the institutions, the art, the religion, the economy, the landscape and the people of the island nation.

What were those achievements and failures? What was the character of the country and the people that have experienced them? What is the English spirit that runs through the history of England recognized if not always understood by the non-Englishmen?

part II

To answer these questions let us look more closely at the English landscape. A green and pleasant land that still retains much rural charm despite the Industrial Revolution. England’s coastline has helped to shape both the history of the English nation and the psychology of the English character. The knowledge unconsciously assimilated since childhood that there was a wide stretch of water that separated Englishmen and foreigners encouraged the sense of security that could easily slide into one of superiority.

The long centuries during which the land was free from invaders meant that there could be a continuity of tradition impossible on the war torn continent. Englishmen have always been conscious of the history that surrounds them and from traditional royal and parliamentary ceremonies to Tudor style villas in the suburbs have thought at every level to revive and remind themselves of that history.

Prelude Pathetique​

From Lady Gaga's music video Marry the Night​

When I look back on my life it’s not that I don’t want to see things exactly as they happened. It’s just that I prefer to remember them in an artistic way, and truthfully the lie of it all is much more honest because I invented it.

Clinical psychology tells us arguably that trauma is the ultimate killer. Memories are not recycled like atoms and particles in quantum physics. They can be lost forever. It’s sort of like my past is an unfinished painting and as the artist of that painting I must fill in all the ugly holes and make it beautiful again. It’s not that I’ve been dishonest, it’s just that I loathe reality.

For example, those nurses, they’re wearing next season Calvin Klein, and so am I. And the shoes, custom Giuseppe Zanotti. I tipped their gauze caps to the side like Parisian berets because I think it’s romantic, and I also believe that mint will be very big in fashion next Spring. Check out this nurse on the right, she’s got a great ass. Bam.

Governor's Island Speech on Religious Tolerance​

Michael Bloomberg, 2010​

It is, by my watch, one minute before noon, but I will still say, good afternoon.

We’ve come here to Governors Island to stand where the earliest settlers first set foot in New Amsterdam, and where the seeds of religious tolerance were first planted. We’ve come here to see the inspiring symbol of liberty that, more than 250 years later, would greet millions of immigrants in this harbor, and we come here to state as strongly as ever: This is the freest City in the world. That’s what makes New York special and different and strong.

Our doors are open to everyone ­­ everyone with a dream and a willingness to work hard and play by the rules. New York City was built by immigrants, and it’s sustained by immigrants ­­ by people from more than a hundred different countries speaking more than two hundred different languages and professing every faith. And whether your parents were born here, or you came here yesterday, you are a New Yorker.

We may not always agree with every one of our neighbors. That’s life and it’s part of living in such a diverse and dense city. But we also recognize that part of being a New Yorker is living with your neighbors in mutual respect and tolerance.

It was exactly that spirit of openness and acceptance that was attacked on 9/11, 2001. On that day, 3,000 people were killed because some murderous fanatics didn’t want us to enjoy the freedoms to profess our own faiths, to speak our own minds, to follow our own dreams, and to live our own lives.

Harvard Commencment Speech​

Oprah Winfrey, 2013​

part I

What could I possibly say to Harvard graduates, some of the most successful graduates in the world in the very moment when I had stopped succeeding? So I got off the phone with President Faust and I went to the shower.It was either that or a bag of Oreos. So I chose the shower.

 And I was in the shower a long time and as I was in the shower the words of an old hymn came to me. You may not know it. It’s “By and by, when the morning comes.”

And I started thinking about when the morning might come because at the time I thought I was stuck in a hole. And the words came to me “Trouble don’t last always” from that hymn, “this too shall pass.”

And I thought as I got out of the shower I am going to turn this thing around and I will be better for it. And when I do, I’m going to go to Harvard and I’m going to speak the truth of it!

So I’m here today to tell you I have turned that network around!

part II

And when you’re down in the hole, when that moment comes, it’s really okay to feel bad for a little while.

Give yourself time to mourn what you think you may have lost but then here’s the key, learn from every mistake because every experience, encounter, and particularly your mistakes are there to teach you and force you into being more who you are.

And then figure out what is the next right move. And the key to life is to develop an internal moral, emotional G.P.S. that can tell you which way to go. 

Because now and forever more when you Google yourself your search results will read “Harvard, 2013”.

And in a very competitive world that really is a calling card because I can tell you as one who employs a lot of people when I see “Harvard” I sit up a little straighter and say, “Where is he or she? Bring them in.”

It’s an impressive calling card that can lead to even more impressive bullets in the years ahead: lawyer, senator, C.E.O., scientist, physicist, winners of Nobel and Pulitzer Prizes or late night talk show host.

But the challenge of life I have found is to build a résumé that doesn’t simply tell a story about what you want to be but it’s a story about who you want to be.

It’s a résumé that doesn’t just tell a story about what you want to accomplish but why.

A story that’s not just a collection of titles and positions but a story that’s really about your purpose. Because when you inevitably stumble and find yourself stuck in a hole that is the story that will get you out.

What is your true calling? What is your dharma? What is your purpose?

On Winning the Nobel Prize​

Barack Obama, 2009

Well, this is not how I expected to wake up this morning. After I received the news, Malia walked in and said, “Daddy, you won the Nobel Peace Prize, and it is Bo’s birthday!” And then Sasha added, “Plus, we have a three-day weekend coming up.” So it’s good to have kids to keep things in perspective.

I am both surprised and deeply humbled by the decision of the Nobel Committee. Let me be clear: I do not view it as a recognition of my own accomplishments, but rather as an affirmation of American leadership on behalf of aspirations held by people in all nations.

To be honest, I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transformative figures who’ve been honored by this prize — men and women who’ve inspired me and inspired the entire world through their courageous pursuit of peace.

But I also know that this prize reflects the kind of world that those men and women, and all Americans, want to build — a world that gives life to the promise of our founding documents. And I know that throughout history, the Nobel Peace Prize has not just been used to honor specific achievement; it’s also been used as a means to give momentum to a set of causes.

And that is why I will accept this award as a call to action — a call for all nations to confront the common challenges of the 21st century.

Marc Antony's Speech​

From William Shakespeare's play Julius Caesar, performed by Marlon Brando, 1953​

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears;
I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.
The evil that men do lives after them;
The good is oft interred with their bones;
So let it be with Caesar. The noble Brutus
Hath told you Caesar was ambitious:
If it were so, it was a grievous fault,
And grievously hath Caesar answer’d it.
Here, under leave of Brutus and the rest–
For Brutus is an honourable man;
So are they all, all honourable men–

Come I to speak in Caesar’s funeral.

He was my friend, faithful and just to me:
But Brutus says he was ambitious;
And Brutus is an honourable man.
He hath brought many captives home to Rome
Whose ransoms did the general coffers fill:
Did this in Caesar seem ambitious?
When that the poor have cried, Caesar hath wept:

Ambition should be made of sterner stuff:

Yet Brutus says he was ambitious;
And Brutus is an honourable man.
You all did see that on the Lupercal
I thrice presented him a kingly crown,
Which he did thrice refuse: was this ambition?
Yet Brutus says he was ambitious;

And, sure, he is an honourable man.

I speak not to disprove what Brutus spoke,
But here I am to speak what I do know.
You all did love him once, not without cause:
What cause withholds you then, to mourn for him?
O judgment! thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason. Bear with me;
My heart is in the coffin there with Caesar,
And I must pause till it come back to me.

Joys of Swearing​

Stephen Fry, 2007​

Swearing is a really important part of one’s life. It would be impossible to imagine going through life without swearing and without enjoying swearing.

There used to be mad, silly, prissy people who used to say swearing was a sign of a poor vocabulary. It’s such utter nonsense. The people I know who swear the most tend to have the widest vocabularies, and the kind of person who says swearing is a sign of a poor vocabulary usually have a pretty poor vocabulary themselves.

The sort of twee person who thinks swearing is in any way a sign of a lack of education or of a lack of verbal interest is just fucking lunatic.

I haven’t met anybody who’s truly shocked at swearing. Really. They’re only shocked on behalf of other people. Well, you know, that’s preposterous.

…or they say: “it’s not necessary,” as if that should stop one doing it. It’s not necessary to have colored socks! It’s not necessary for this cushion to be here, but is anyone going to write in and say:

“I was shocked to see that cushion there, it really wasn’t necessary?” No. Things not being necessary is what makes life interesting – the little extras in life.

Speech to Tory Youth​

Margaret Thatcher, 1983​

That’s marvellous, but there is quite a lot to come yet and I don’t want you to have sore throats before the end. That’s the sort of reception we want at the end. You’ve already demonstrated that there’s an excitement and an enthusiasm which is the envy of all other parties.

And this great hall, filled to capacity with young people who want to live your own lives, in the way you choose, with a style which is on your own within the law. Young people want to stay free. 

Could Labour have managed a rally like this? 

Well, in the old days perhaps. But not now. For they are the party of yesterday. And tomorrow is ours.

Accused of Lecturing

Margaret Thatcher, 1980

They are not the friends of the unemployed or the small business. They are asking us to do again the very thing that caused the problems in the first place. We have made this point repeatedly.

I am accused of lecturing or preaching about this. I suppose it is a critic’s way of saying “Well, we know it is true, but we have to carp at something.” I do not care about that. But I do care about the future of free enterprise, the jobs and exports it provides and the independence it brings to our people. Independence? Yes, but let us be clear what we mean by that. Independence does not mean contracting out of all relationships with others. A nation can be free but it will not stay free for long if it has no friends and no alliances. Above all, it will not stay free if it cannot pay its own way in the world. By the same token, an individual needs to be part of a community and to feel that he is part of it. There is more to this than the chance to earn a living for himself and his family, essential though that is.

Our Vision

Margaret Thatcher, 1980

Of course, our vision and our aims go far beyond the complex arguments of economics, but unless we get the economy right we shall deny our people the opportunity to share that vision and to see beyond the narrow horizons of economic necessity. Without a healthy economy we cannot have a healthy society. Without a healthy society the economy will not stay healthy for long.

But it is not the State that creates a healthy society. When the State grows too powerful people feel that they count for less and less. The State drains society, not only of its wealth but of initiative, of energy, the will to improve and innovate as well as to preserve what is best. Our aim is to let people feel that they count for more and more. If we cannot trust the deepest instincts of our people we should not be in politics at all. 

The Lady's Not for Turning

Margaret Thatcher, 1980

If our people feel that they are part of a great nation and they are prepared to will the means to keep it great, a great nation we shall be, and shall remain. So, what can stop us from achieving this? What then stands in our way? The prospect of another winter of discontent? I suppose it might.

But I prefer to believe that certain lessons have been learnt from experience, that we are coming, slowly, painfully, to an autumn of understanding. And I hope that it will be followed by a winter of common sense. If it is not, we shall not be—diverted from our course.

To those waiting with bated breath for that favourite media catchphrase, the “U” turn, I have only one thing to say. “You turn if you want to. The lady’s not for turning.” I say that not only to you but to our friends overseas and also to those who are not our friends.

Sense and Sensibility, the Oscars Acceptance Speech

Emma Thompson, 1996

Anthony Hopkins: And the Oscar for Best Screenplay Adaption is awarded to … Emma Thompson… for “Sense and Sensibility”.

Emma Thompson: I don’t really know how to thank the Academy for this. And if I try we’ll be here till Christmas, so I better get on. Before I came I went to visit Jane Austen’s grave in Winchester Cathedral to pay my respects, you know, and to tell her about the grosses. And I don’t know how she would react to an evening like this but I do hope, I do hope she knows how big she is in Uruguay. Profound thanks to Columbia Pictures and the lovely forms of Lisa Henson, Gareth Wigan, and Mark Canton for hiring a first-time writer. To James Schamus, for his rare intelligence. And to Sydney Pollack, for asking all the right questions like, why couldn’t these women go out and get a job? Why, indeed! And to the cast and crew, for being impeccable. To my friend and my teacher, Lindsay Doran, for being the single, most frustrating reason why I can’t claim all the credit for myself. And finally I would like, with your permission, to dedicate this Oscar to our director Ang Lee. Ang, wherever you are, this is for you.

Don't Mind the Language

Stephen Fry, 2008

part I

For
fə
 
 
me
miː
 
 
it
ɪt
 
 
is
ɪz
 
 
a
ə
 
 
cause
kɔːz
 
 
of
əv
 
 
some
sʌm
 
 
upset
ʌpˈsɛt
 
 
that
ðət
 
 
more
mɔː
 
 
Anglophones
ˈæŋɡləfəʊnz
 
 
don’t
dəʊnt
 
 
enjoy
ɪnˈʤɔɪ
 
 
language
ˈlæŋɡwɪʤ
 
 
Music
ˈmjuːzɪk
 
 
is
ɪz
 
 
enjoyable
ɪnˈʤɔɪəbᵊl
 
 
it
ɪt
 
 
seems
siːmz
 
 
so
səʊ
 
 
are
ə
 
 
dance
dɑːns
 
 
and
ənd
 
 
other
ˈʌðə
 
 
athletic
æθˈlɛtɪk
 
 
forms
fɔːmz
 
 
of
əv
 
 
movement
ˈmuːvmənt
 
 
People
ˈpiːpᵊl
 
 
seem
siːm
 
 
to
tə
 
 
be
bɪ
 
 
able
ˈeɪbᵊl
 
 
to
tə
 
 
find
faɪnd
 
 
sensual
ˈsɛnsjuəl
 
 
and
ənd
 
 
sensuous
ˈsɛnsjuəs
 
 
pleasure
ˈplɛʒər
 
 
in
ɪn
 
 
almost
ˈɔːlməʊst
 
 
anything
ˈɛniθɪŋ
 
 
but
bʌt
 
 
words
wɜːdz
 
 
these
ðiːz
 
 
days
deɪz
 
 
Words
wɜːdz
 
 
it
ɪt
 
 
seems
siːmz
 
 
belong
bɪˈlɒŋ
 
 
to
tə
 
 
other
ˈʌðə
 
 
people
ˈpiːpᵊl
 
 
anyone
ˈɛniwʌn
 
 
who
hʊ
 
 
expresses
ɪkˈsprɛsɪz
 
 
themselves
ðəmˈsɛlvz
 
 
with
wɪð
 
 
originality
əˌrɪʤᵊnˈæləti
 
 
delight
dɪˈlaɪt
 
 
and
ənd
 
 
verbal
ˈvɜːbᵊl
 
 
freshness
ˈfrɛʃnəs
 
 
is
ɪz
 
 
more
mɔː
 
 
likely
ˈlaɪklɪ
 
 
to
tə
 
 
be
bɪ
 
 
mocked
mɒkt
 
 
distrusted
dɪˈstrʌstɪd
 
 
or
ə
 
 
disliked
dɪˈslaɪkt
 
 
than
ðən
 
 
welcomed
ˈwɛlkəmd
 
 
The
ðə
 
 
free
friː
 
 
and
ənd
 
 
happy
ˈhæpɪ
 
 
use
juːz
 
 
of
əv
 
 
words
wɜːdz
 
 
appears
əˈpɪəz
 
 
to
tə
 
 
be
bɪ
 
 
considered
kənˈsɪdəd
 
 
elitist
ɪˈliːtɪst
 
 
or
ə
 
 
pretentious
prɪˈtɛnʃəs
.
.
Sadly
ˈsædli
 
 
desperately
ˈdɛspᵊrətli
 
 
sadly
ˈsædli
 
 
the
ði
 
 
only
ˈəʊnli
 
 
people
ˈpiːpᵊl
 
 
who
huː
 
 
seem
siːm
 
 
to
tuː
 
 
bother
ˈbɒðə
 
 
with
wɪð
 
 
language
ˈlæŋɡwɪʤ
 
 
in
ɪn
 
 
public
ˈpʌblɪk
 
 
today
təˈdeɪ
 
 
bother
ˈbɒðə
 
 
with
wɪð
 
 
it
ɪt
 
 
in
ɪn
 
 
quite
kwaɪt
 
 
the
ðə
 
 
wrong
rɒŋ
 
 
way
weɪ
 
 
They
ðeɪ
 
 
write
raɪt
 
 
letters
ˈlɛtəz
 
 
to
tuː
 
 
broadcasters
ˈbrɔːdˌkɑːstəz
 
 
and
ænd
 
 
newspapers
ˈnjuːzˌpeɪpəz
 
 
in
ɪn
 
 
which
wɪʧ
 
 
they
ðeɪ
 
 
are
ɑː
 
 
rude
ruːd
 
 
and
ænd
 
 
haughty
ˈhɔːti
 
 
about
əˈbaʊt
 
 
other
ˈʌðə
 
 
people’s
ˈpiːpᵊlz
 
 
usage
ˈjuːzɪʤ
 
 
and
ænd
 
 
in
ɪn
 
 
which
wɪʧ
 
 
they
ðeɪ
 
 
show
ʃəʊ
 
 
off
ɒf
 
 
their
ðeər
 
 
own
əʊn
 
 
superior
suːˈpɪəriə
 
 
‘knowledge’
ˈnɒlɪʤ
 
 
of
ɒv
 
 
how
haʊ
 
 
language
ˈlæŋɡwɪʤ
 
 
should
ʃʊd
 
 
be
biː
 
 
I
 
 
hate
heɪt
 
 
that
ðæt
 
 
and
ænd
 
 
I
 
 
particularly
pəˈtɪkjələli
 
 
hate
heɪt
 
 
the
ðə
 
 
fact
fækt
 
 
that
ðæt
 
 
so
səʊ
 
 
many
ˈmɛni
 
 
of
ɒv
 
 
these
ðiːz
 
 
pedants
ˈpɛdᵊnts
 
 
assume
əˈsjuːm
 
 
that
ðæt
 
 
I’m
aɪm
 
 
on
ɒn
 
 
their
ðeə
 
 
side
saɪd
 
 
When
wɛn
 
 
asked
ɑːskt
 
 
to
tuː
 
 
join
ʤɔɪn
 
 
in
ɪn
 
 
a
 “
 “
 
 
let’s
lɛts
 
 
persuade
pəˈsweɪd
 
 
this
ðɪs
 
 
supermarket
ˈsuːpəˌmɑːkɪt
 
 
chain
ʧeɪn
 
 
to
tuː
 
 
get
ɡɛt
 
 
rid
rɪd
 
 
of
ɒv
 
 
their
ðeə
 
 
‘five
faɪv
 
 
items
ˈaɪtəmz
 
 
or
ɔː
 
 
less’
lɛs
 
 
sign
saɪn
” 
” 
 
 
I
 
 
never
ˈnɛvə
 
 
join
ʤɔɪn
 
 
in
ɪn
 
 
Yes
jɛs
 
 
I
 
 
am
æm
 
 
aware
əˈweər
 
 
of
ɒv
 
 
the
ðə
 
 
technical
ˈtɛknɪkᵊl
 
 
distinction
dɪˈstɪŋkʃᵊn
 
 
between
bɪˈtwiːn
 
 
‘less’
lɛs
 
 
and
ænd
 
 
‘fewer’
ˈfjuːə
 
 
and
ænd
 
 
between
bɪˈtwiːn
 
 
‘uninterested’
ʌnˈɪntrɛstɪd
 
 
and
ænd
 
 
‘disinterested’
dɪˈsɪntrɛstɪd
 
 
and
ænd
 
 
‘infer’
ɪnˈfɜː
 
 
and
ænd
 
 
‘imply’
ɪmˈplaɪ
 
 
but
bʌt
 
 
none
nʌn
 
 
of
ɒv
 
 
these
ðiːz
 
 
are
ɑːr
 
 
of
ɒv
 
 
importance
ɪmˈpɔːtᵊns
 
 
to
tuː
 
 
me
miː
 
 
‘None
nʌn
 
 
of
ɒv
 
 
these
ðiːz
 
 
are
ɑːr
 
 
of
ɒv
 
 
importance
ɪmˈpɔːtᵊns
,’ 
,’ 
 
 
I
 
 
wrote
rəʊt
 
 
there
ðeə
 
 
you’ll
juːl
 
 
notice
ˈnəʊtɪs
 – 
 – 
 
 
the
ði
 
 
old
əʊld
 
 
pedantic
pɪˈdæntɪk
 
 
me
miː
 
 
would
wʊd
 
 
have
hæv
 
 
insisted
ɪnˈsɪstɪd
 
 
on
ɒn
 “
 “
 
 
none
nʌn
 
 
of
ɒv
 
 
them
ðɛm
 
 
is
ɪz
 
 
of
ɒv
 
 
importance
ɪmˈpɔːtᵊns
”. 
”. 
 
 
Well
wɛl
 
 
I’m
aɪm
 
 
glad
ɡlæd
 
 
to
tuː
 
 
say
seɪ
 
 
I’ve
aɪv
 
 
outgrown
aʊtˈɡrəʊn
 
 
that
ðæt
 
 
silly
ˈsɪli
 
 
approach
əˈprəʊʧ
 
 
to
tuː
 
 
language
ˈlæŋɡwɪʤ
.
.
 
Oscar
ˈɒskə
 
 
Wilde
waɪld
 
 
and
ænd
 
 
there
ðeə
 
 
have
hæv
 
 
been
biːn
 
 
few
fjuː
 
 
greater
ˈɡreɪtər
 
 
and
ænd
 
 
more
mɔː
 
 
complete
kəmˈpliːt
 
 
lords
lɔːdz
 
 
of
ɒv
 
 
language
ˈlæŋɡwɪʤ
 
 
in
ɪn
 
 
the
ðə
 
 
past
pɑːst
 
 
thousand
ˈθaʊzənd
 
 
years
jɪəz
 
 
once
wʌns
 
 
included
ɪnˈkluːdɪd
 
 
with
wɪð
 
 
a
ə
 
 
manuscript
ˈmænjəskrɪpt
 
 
he
hiː
 
 
was
wɒz
 
 
delivering
dɪˈlɪvərɪŋ
 
 
to
tuː
 
 
his
hɪz
 
 
publishers
ˈpʌblɪʃəz
 
 
a
ə
 
 
compliment
 
 
slip
slɪp
 
 
in
ɪn
 
 
which
wɪʧ
 
 
he
hiː
 
 
had
hæd
 
 
scribbled
ˈskrɪbᵊld
 
 
the
ði
 
 
injunction
ɪnˈʤʌŋkʃᵊn
: “
: “
 
 
I’ll
aɪl
 
 
leave
liːv
 
 
you
juː
 
 
to
tuː
 
 
tidy
ˈtaɪdi
 
 
up
ʌp
 
 
the
ðə
 
 
woulds
wʊdz
 
 
and
ænd
 
 
shoulds
ʃʊdz
 
 
wills
wɪlz
 
 
and
ænd
 
 
shalls
ʃælz
 
 
thats
ðæts
 
 
and
ænd
 
 
whiches
ˈwɪʧɪz
 &
 &
 
 
c
siː
.” 
.” 
 
 
Which
wɪʧ
 
 
gives
ɡɪvz
 
 
us
 
 
all
ɔːl
 
 
encouragement
ɪnˈkʌrɪʤmənt
 
 
to
tuː
 
 
feel
fiːl
 
 
less
lɛs
 
 
guilty
ˈɡɪlti
 
 
don’t
dəʊnt
 
 
you
juː
 
 
think
θɪŋk
?
?

part II

There are all kinds of pedants around with more time to read and imitate Lynne Truss and John Humphrys than to write poems, love-letters, novels and stories it seems. They whip out their Sharpies and take away and add apostrophes from public signs, shake their heads at prepositions which end sentences and mutter at split infinitives and misspellings, but do they bubble and froth and slobber and cream with joy at language? Do they ever let the tripping of the tips of their tongues against the tops of their teeth transport them to giddy euphoric bliss? Do they ever yoke impossible words together for the sound-sex of it? Do they use language to seduce, charm, excite, please, affirm and tickle those they talk to? Do they? I doubt it. They’re too farting busy sneering at a greengrocer’s less than perfect use of the apostrophe. Well sod them to Hades. They think they’re guardians of language. They’re no more guardians of language than the Kennel Club is the guardian of dogkind.

 

Make My Money Matter (Oblivia Coalmine)

Olivia Colman, 2008

part I

Hello, my name is Oblivia Coalmine. And on behalf of the fossil fuel industries, I would like to say a huge thank you for all your support this bumper year. People like you have pumped billions of your hard earned pounds into our gas and oil businesses.

The cash from your pensions has helped us dig, drill, and destroy more of the planet than ever before. We’ve even managed to build few little wind turbines to keep Greta and her chums happy. Cute. You see, every little drop from your precious nest egg adds up.

So while the global temperature may go up a teensy, weensy degree or two, our profits are literally soaring. And that’s all thanks to you. So to guarantee us all a warmer, snugglier future, please keep sending your pensions our way. You know the drill.

Oh fracking hell!

OK, start. again. Start again.

 Yes.

We value your privacy

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