Archivum Archivorum
Articulation Basis
The Chaos
Gerard Nolst Trenité, 1922
Dearest creature in creation
Studying English pronunciation,
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse.
I will keep you, Susy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy;
Tear in eye, your dress you’ll tear;
Queer, fair seer, hear my prayer.
Pray, console your loving poet,
Make my coat look new, dear, sew it!
Just compare heart, hear and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word.
Sword and sward, retain and Britain
(Mind the latter how it’s written).
Made has not the sound of bade,
Say-said, pay-paid, laid but plaid.
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as vague and ague,
But be careful how you speak,
Say: gush, bush, steak, streak, break, bleak ,
Previous, precious, fuchsia, via
Recipe, pipe, studding-sail, choir;
Woven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, shoe, poem, toe.
Say, expecting fraud and trickery:
Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore,
Branch, ranch, measles, topsails, aisles,
Missiles, similes, reviles.
Wholly, holly, signal, signing,
Same, examining, but mining,
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far.
From “desire”: desirable-admirable from “admire”,
Lumber, plumber, bier, but brier,
Topsham, brougham, renown, but known,
Knowledge, done, lone, gone, none, tone,
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel.
Gertrude, German, wind and wind,
Beau, kind, kindred, queue, mankind,
Tortoise, turquoise, chamois-leather,
Reading, Reading, heathen, heather.
This phonetic labyrinth
Gives moss, gross, brook, brooch, ninth, plinth.
Have you ever yet endeavoured
To pronounce revered and severed,
Demon, lemon, ghoul, foul, soul,
Peter, petrol and patrol?
Billet does not end like ballet;
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Banquet is not nearly parquet,
Which exactly rhymes with khaki.
Discount, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward,
Ricocheted and crocheting, croquet
Right! Your pronunciation’s OK.
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ed Edited it
Studio C
Today’s paper is an absolute mess!
There are mistakes all up and down this copy! Who edited it?
Ed did. Ed edited it.
Ed did? Ed edited it? Ed?
Yep. Ed edited it.
Ed edited it? Ed did?
Ed did! Ed edited it!
Alright so I edited it! I did edit it.
Ed edited it, ed edited it! But it wasn’t my column!
Well who’s column was it?
Colin. It was Colin’s column.
It was Colin’s column?
Yep. Colin’s column.
Well where’s Colin?
He called in.
Call him. Call Colin about his column.
Colin? Your column. Says he didn’t write it.
Well who wrote Colin’s column?
Rita.
Rita wrote Colin’s column?
Right. Rita wrote it. Wait. Rita wrote it right?
Right.
So the reader read Rita’s writeup?Right.
Well where’s Rita?
Here. Yeah I wrote it. But I didn’t proof read it.
Well who proof read it?
Prue and Fred.
Prue and Fred proofread?
Prue and Fred proofread.
Prue. Fred. You proofread?
Yeah we did. We did!
Prue and Fred proofread what we had.
But the photos were bad!
Well who’s photos were they?
Jessica’s. They’re Jessica’s photos.
Jessica’s!…
Jessica’s photos?
Je-Jessica’s photooos….
I don’t like that this office works best
when things are fast and rhymey.
Jessica, you’re fired.
Futtah, you’re promoted. Futtah’s photo’s.
Much better right? Futtah’s photo’s.
[agreeing murmur]
Alright, enough of this blame game! We’re a team. The team teameded it and
the team can teameded our way out.Ed re-edit Colin’s column on Porter’s reporting that Rita wrote and Prue and
Fred proofread.
Leia, layout Futtah’s photo’s that Mark and Ted marketed. Prince’ll print what
Sal’ll sell. Dale. Evah. Get ready to delivah!
Got it?!
[cheers]
I said got it!??
[agreeing murmurs]
Oh, Amber! Lance! Call the…
medic…is that not…
Oh okay I quit I’m sorry.
[applause]
Hey you watching this YouTube video!
Leave a like! Leave a comment!
Hey! The other one, behind him, watching over his shoulder without him
seeing it. You! Like it, share it with a friend.
Uh, tell ya, tell your other…
Can. Can you just…just leave a nice comment and maybe just share it with
someone that you know, it’s all I’m asking okay?
Don’t tell anyone I’m actually like this.
You did good.
Thanks.
Alright here we go!
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